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[04 Jul 2007|04:57pm] |
i want to update, or talk to someone meaningfully again
but its become so rare that i'm just realising that i have no one to really talk to, and nothing to say here.
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| lol |
[19 Dec 2006|09:40pm] |
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music |
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prodigy - 3 kilos |
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all i've wanted the last couple weeks is to be left alone in silence and peace, and now that everything is over and i finally AM alone, all i want is to talk to someone in a meaningful way
XD so much for a lasting moood. and i'm lonely enough to make an entry about itXDXD
i've been moody as hell lately and there's really no excuse for being so annoying ><
"you were born with wings. why prefer to crawl through life?" -rumi
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| hehee rage |
[11 Sep 2006|11:46pm] |
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music |
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elliot smith - pretty (ugly before) |
] |
[23:32] GoddessOfOnions: I have to kill apig tomorrow and my boyfriend's flight got moved up a week. he's one of the only people they're not flying back home.
[23:32] GoddessOfOnions: life is great
[23:32] p0werblimp: im sorry
[23:32] GoddessOfOnions: I feel like this, and I have to kill a fucking pig and put him back together
[23:32] GoddessOfOnions: and then they shoot it again
[23:32] GoddessOfOnions: and i have to fix him again
[23:32] GoddessOfOnions: wtf
[23:32] p0werblimp: that actually sounds therapeutic..
[23:32] p0werblimp: i dont know
[23:33] p0werblimp: bleh
[23:33] GoddessOfOnions: it's a sleeping pig
[23:33] p0werblimp: oh
[23:33] p0werblimp: well i feel rage right now
[23:33] p0werblimp: i'd like to kill pigs very much so
[23:33] GoddessOfOnions: and then they slice open the femoral artery and I have to stop the bleeding with a tourniquet
[23:33] p0werblimp: ..i'm practically jealous
[23:33] GoddessOfOnions: what's wrong?
[23:33] GoddessOfOnions: i just drank a half bottle of dimetapp because i have no alcohol
[23:34] p0werblimp: i think it has to do with the fact that this girl oh so very much resembles pighttp://myspace-338.vo.llnwd.net/01158/83/31/1158471338_l.jpg
[23:34] GoddessOfOnions: i want alcohol. i want to tear that fucking pig up hung over as fuck
[23:34] GoddessOfOnions: she does
[23:34] GoddessOfOnions: I bet she has a four inch layer of subcutaneous fat, just like a pig.
[23:34] p0werblimp: yeah, some muslim converts just cant give up the pork!
[23:34] GoddessOfOnions: and if you cut through it she'll never stop bleeding
[23:34] GoddessOfOnions: just like a pig
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| so i guess i'll put this here |
[06 Sep 2006|10:50pm] |
yesterday was my first day of school. i hadn't slept in the last 4 days and i'm exhausted. i ran into a street pole. while i was walking. my head still hurts. detroit smells like garbage. everyone around me is on their laptops 24/7 looking at facebook and complaining about it. i'm a cheap bastard and only was willing to spend $1 for food and got a kfc snacker and that certainly isn't enough food for a whole day of walking around on campus. i think i'm going to start packing lunch from home because im po'. this is supposed to be my 'freshman' year but i act like i've been on campus my whole life, and i have enough credits to be a junior next semester. i landed a research position job in the biochem and microbiology department at the med school. i'm going to study statins as antifungal agents. my prof seems really cool and caring. i still can't believe i got the research position. unfortunately i can't make money researching until after the first few months if i do a good job. but i might be getting a real job. all my classes are going to be a lot of work. i'm taking 18 credits, and i think i dropped out of art history to take philosophy. i might go declare my major tomorrow.
the title of my reseach project is "In vitro susceptibility and synergy studies of statins as antifungal agents"
it's a very new study, thus a risky place to start, but i like risks. it seems very interesting. (statin is the chemical used in pharmaceuticals to reduce cholesterol) its a very relevant subject to research especially with the large number of people at risk for heart disease because of high cholesterol. i'm going to get to learn gene cloning and PCRs as well.
schedule is like:
* Physics (calc based) 2170 MWF lecture, TR quiz w/ padmanabhan(padu), karchin
* Physics 2171 Lab T
* PHI 1030 Philosophical problems TR w/ wilkinson (lol a typical pseudo intelectual uni course)
* Honors 1000 City One - Detroit Studies w/ thomson! MW
* Biological Sciences 3990 Directed Study-Biology RF w/ Dr. Akins (research)
* Arabic 1010 Intro to Arabic MW w/ Saker (blow-off)
the wedding stuff is all over now, and i'm so happy for my uncle. i miss my family. my new aunt and i get along pretty well and she's going to help me out a lot because she's a doctor who did biochem major.
they left this morning for a honeymoon to europe, and i've never seen my uncle so happy. =)
having to 'MC' the wedding went fine i guess. kept it short and sweet. spoke from the heart. everyone liked it.
i can't wait for the wedding pictures to come out, i'll probably put them up.
that is all.
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| grrahhh |
[27 Aug 2006|11:58pm] |
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music |
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sufjan stevens - joy joy joy |
] |
my uncle is getting married this weekend! and i have to give a speech.
i have
no idea
what to say
it's mostly that i don't want to get too personal in front of like 500+ people. i don't want to embarrass him, or myself. but he means so much to me and i need to say something nice :O
ahhhhhh help
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| redux |
[26 Aug 2006|03:54pm] |
--- response to: Scott F (Michigan) at 12:45pm August 23rd, 2006 Israel destroyed major highways and airports so that the soldiers couldn't be transported to Syria or Iran, the supplier of thousands of weapons to Hizbullah militants. They destroyed ambulances which contained Hizbullah militants. Also, why are Israelis KILLED and Lebanese MURDERED? What is the difference in your eyes? Is it whether the attack is targeting civilians or targeting militants? I'm very interested to know.
Also, when a group's leader calls the for the extermination of another, like Sheik Hassan Nasrallah did of all of Israel, it's hard to play off as something small... I mean, that's the kind of thing I feel no one should EVER take lightly, but that might just be me. Maybe Hassan and Ehud go way back and they were just kidding around or something and the world is blowing this way outta proportion.
And it's so noble of you to pray for your people AND humankind, but aren't these two distinguished populations one in the same? Peace! ---
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[26 Aug 2006|01:36am] |
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060824/NEWS99/60824006
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060825/NEWS99/60825017
store clerk shot 4 times after a stupid argument. i went to his funeral today. its so sad and crazy. he was working two jobs to support his wife and kids and its hard on the whole community. it's just.. shocking. every day i keep wondering how the hell i stay sane.
comment on a website:
"I knew Wajed. Not well, but well enough to know he was a good man. He was always smiling and happy. He talked to me at great length about his hobbies and asked about mine. He was like a friend to me. A smiling face every night when I would go to 7-11. I went a couple times just to say hi to him. I want his family to know he is missed by many people and will be prayed for.
I hope Davis reads this too. He is a coward and I hope he dies and burns in hell."
in other news, nevermind my last entry. i'm hopeful and doing well. i hope you all are also doing well.
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[14 Aug 2006|02:14pm] |
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music |
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andrew wk - party hard |
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i have never felt this genuinely happy before in my life, and no matter what happens i am keeping my spirits high and staying strong.
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| man |
[02 Aug 2006|03:34pm] |
its so weird to find people you know on the news
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2003160576_webshooting29m1.html
i mailed an invitation for my uncle's weddings to this guy's family last week. he always seemed mentally unstable, got divorced for no reason, never really made it in school, unemployed, etc. i pray for his family and those victims. but god it feels like everyone's ready to just go insane.
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| thought of today |
[27 Jul 2006|10:18pm] |
this
is
genocide
like bosnia, except NATO won't be getting involved this time
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| someone suggested i should stop posting dumb links and say how i feel. |
[25 Jul 2006|11:27pm] |
as long as it's been going on, i'm just continually amazed at how much people can tolerate and how easy it is for the powerful to ignore their guilt and spin things to justify themselves.
what i see is a blatant move by the zionists to expand and occupy lebanese territory. they've already captured two towns, significant, strategic cross-country points on the map to gain more control and more power. israel has always had the intention of claiming more land for a 'greater israel', they've needed the opportune moment. ( i bet the two soldiers will conveniently show up when the time is right). israel has been waiting for this. but oh, the world is worried about hezbullah's threats!! oh no"
israel has shown no regard for international law (like their superpower friend) as usual, and continue to receive support.
if this was about two israeli soldiers captured, what is with the insane tactics to get those men back safely? doesn't the mighty israeli military know how to strategize? why didn't they send in ground troops in the beginning? why jump to airstrikes? the only thing i see them accomplishing is near careless destruction of lebanese infrastructure, and children taking the biggest toll. their force is brutal. they've destroyed major highways. they've targeted red cross ambulances and UN troops. and why not? they know they can get away with it
"dur hur we were dragged into this war and these things happen! i am appalled you would accuse israel of being deliberate!"
an uproar about two israeli SOLDIERS. but no one says anything about the 10,000 arab families that haven't seen their sons and daughters for decades, captured and imprisoned by the state of israel with no due process and no basis. never a mention of the palestinian leaders kidnapped, senseless use of unmatched artillery (the arabs have fucking ROCKS, of course they're gonna commit suicide), bulldozing of palestinian villages, or the slaughtering of women and children in palestinian refugee camps. indiscriminate slaughtering seems to be a patterm with the IDF. i'm sorry but i find it hard to believe that the zionists have any respect for anyone else- what, with their teachings about being the chosen people and thus non-Jewish lives mean nothing. ehud can say whatever he wants, they can continue to voice 'regret' and condolence but their brutal actions will continue and no one will hear about it until the victims try to fight back again.
read their book, the talmud sometime, if you're interested in what i mean about the zionist agenda. western support of zionism is a whole nother book..
there's never UN security council meetings about what to do with british-installed israel, or threats of sanctions against israel the "beautiful friendly flower of the middle east". and now israel even gets away with killing UN soldiers in a clearly marked place, and israel demands an apology from the UN for accusing them of being deliberate??
it's funny how quickly the west brands anyone that fights against them a "terrorist." and people actually believe that shit. as if it's horrible to STAND UP FOR YOUR PEOPLE AGAINST POWER-MAD AGGRESSORS. i applaud hezbullah's efforts to try to unite lebanon and palestine, and others that have the bravery to defend our nations while the apologetic cowards kiss america's feet, and fear its might.
i'm sick of the U.S. arming countries and disarming others and all the double standards and self-righteous claims to lands and governments, and people stand by and do nothing (or they're 'terrorists')
also, i was happy to see maliki standing up to condemn israel, it's funny to watch the U.S. become shocked that their own iraqi puppet is speaking against them.
41 israelis killed, and TEN TIMES as many lebanese murdered
and 14,000 iraqis reported as killed for this year. (another thing that the perpetrators will simply get away with [with billions] despite all the disapproval expressed)
i pray for some sort of healing..
and i'm sick of people thinking it's "cute" when i get angry or simply don't understand why i feel the need to be
i'm aching for more people to wake up and help in an uprising that can actually make some difference. all this is just senseless. the worst pain in my heart is from the fact that majority muslims are stupid and blind too. the west has created factions between us for years, dogs fighting over pieces of meat. subject to their pointless bullshit.
but hey i'm anachronistic and "backwards" for believing and praying for the honour and dignity of my people, and humankind.
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| yay |
[15 Jul 2006|06:14pm] |
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. (see last entry) |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. (but more than i used to [none]) |
✓ I own lots of books. (have to get around to reading..) |
| ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
✓ I love to play video games. (but dont have a chance to really) |
✓ I've tried marijuana. |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. (doesnt work for me usually) |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (hate the sound of it tho) |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. (used to) |
( it goes on... )
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| stealing from emily XD |
[21 Jun 2006|01:51pm] |
Oh I love this. Remember the first inauguration?
Not exactly Jon, that’s more of a “first inauguration-not sure we were legitimately elected-let’s play the outsider card” kind of thing. This time around it’s not so much an inauguration as the establishment of a dynasty. No! Empire. So this time, instead of barbecue, platters of suckling pig with apples in their mouths are being crammed down the gullets of cigar-smoking plutocrats by indentured welfare mothers, whilst teams of virgins are orally servicing undersecretaries of commerce and rather than country and western, the music comes courtesy of a choir of the uninsured whose vocal cards have been severed leaving each singer with the ability to produce but one pure pitch that is then tortured out of them, creating an orchestra of unimaginable agony.
- Stephen Colbert, reporting for The Daily Show.
..and i think i'm in love with stephen colbert. he's seriously sexy as hell
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| things i never thought i'd see myself considering/having |
[30 May 2006|03:59am] |
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music |
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the hum of my brain |
] |
- studying
- going to med school
- marriage
- getting married in the next two years AND going to med school
- finding happiness in things my parents want for me
- not lying to my parents about anything
- getting close to some kind of spiritual transformation..
- wanting to look and feel in good health
- being more of a girl
a realisation:
i don't have a best friend. i mean.. i have one, that i've known for a long time, she'll always be my best friend.. but i think sometimes that the reason she's my best friend and i'm hers is because we both don't have anyone else. anyone real. there are people in my life that at some point i've considered my best friend - and i still consider some of them my best even now. but i am simply not consistent and i don't stay in touch with them and they forget me. when they go through hardship, their pain hits me, but my pain doesn't reach them. i don't have solid relationships with anyone. i can provide interaction and company, but i am not a consideration - i don't put myself in those situations. when something important happens in people's lives i'm never a part of it. i'm just a guest, a person that gets invited to see the show but i'm never in the show. sometimes i'm in the backstage crew but too insignificant to be thanked at the oscar.
i've never been able to keep a girl "best friend." its not a big deal because i have my family, i have my mom, grandma, my aunt, and my sister-in-law, i can always count on those friendships. but they are friendships because they are blood relationships, and they will last forever because of the fact that they are blood and a part of my life. but i can't seem to maintain anything that is purely friendship.
i give a lot though. i treat any girl like they are my best friend. i make sure people know that i'm there for them. so what happens is that they come to me when no one else can solve their problem, but i am still an outsider. it's become my nature to be close to everyone for a single moment, and nothing more than that moment.
there are many outside circumstances that have kept me as more of a voice rather than a person. i go unnoticed. i've become sort of a vehicle or shadow, useless or nonexistent unless people need me. but when i am not being used i don't feel like i'm there.
even when i talk to people about my life, answer questions about myself, i don't feel involved. when i talk about what's going on with me, i generally feel distant, like i'm talking about someone else's life.. a life i know a lot about but don't really live. i talk about myself thinking it'll help me feel like i am an individual but i don't really feel connected to the events surrounding my personal life. i even feel awkward saying "my life" and "personal" and "me my myself i" but those are the only words there are, and there's no arguing with definitions, right?
i live through other people, i involve myself in other people, and i deeply love and care for all those people. people love me because they relate to me, because i'm understanding. i can be anyone though. even the things i do for myself.. i do them because i'm supposed to, i'm told to live. i have no choice but to breathe. i feel stuck in a paradox where i have to work hard for personal success so that i have the resources to help everyone else. i have to take care of myself to take care of everyone else. i'm starting to get a hang of this because i've become more content with it, and otherwise i just feel like a waste.
i may not have a best friend, but i don't seem to need one of those, because i can be with anyone. i've gotten to this point where all of my relationships have become perfect to me. to put it another way - i've become extremely accustomed to loss. i'm no longer confused about people that used to distract me from my priorities. i was misguided and let them feed me attention, not knowing that i never had a stomach to digest it. only through loss have i learned that i am truly a happy person.. i have experienced a lot of things in life and i have a lot to be grateful for. i have a lot to offer and a lot of passion and i will not let anything hold me back... i used to think that things hindering me were out of my control but that which i was born into can truly be my strength - and the things holding me back were things that i chose for myself, and things i control.
or i'm just really really brainwashed.
:)
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| shuffle shovel shuttup |
[03 May 2006|05:39pm] |
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music |
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prince - when doves cry |
] |
shuffle meme thing.. answer the questions by the title of the song that plays next
How am I feeling today?:
lovely rita
Will I get far in life?
sniper.
How do my friends see me?:
no one. (dj hype)
Where will I get Married?:
track 1
What is my best friend's theme song?:
omgyjya switch 7 (aphex)
What is the story of my life?:
crushed bones (why)
What is/was highschool like?:
john the revelator.
(Stealing a God from a Muslim, too
There is only one God through and through
Seven lies, multiplied by seven, multiplied by seven again
Well who's that shouting?
John the Revelator!
All he ever gives us is pain
Well who's that shouting?
John the Revelator!
He should bow his head in shame)
How can I get ahead in life?:
dump the body in rikki lake (japanther)
What is the best thing about me?:
long time jerk!
How is today going to be?:
hindsight (dj shadow)
What is in store for this weekend?
the "nice people" (tlrx)
how is your future?
wounded knee (meneguar)
What song will they play at my funeral?:
clouddead- the velvet ant (people are aborting full grown goats.. strawberry and an ostrich throw)
How does the world see me?:
organ donor [extended overhaul]]
Will I have a happy life?:
1,2.. 1,2..
What do my friends really think of me?:
the dire and ever circling wolves
Do people secretly lust after me?:
moss mountain town
How can I make myself happy?:
guantanamo
What should I do with my life?:
fire (rhcp)
Will I ever have children?
bergamot + sumsac = rain blood part. 2
What is some good advice for me?:
all you need is love (!)
How will i be remembered?
dragons blood
What is my signature dancing song?:
asamov - bonus: standing room only
What is my current theme song?
come baby come (tlrx)
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
aphex twin - hy a scullyas lyf a dhagrow "she wasted my pint"
What type of men/women do you like?:
filth mix
i feel.. violent :O
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| there’s plenty of ways to know you’re not dying, hell theres plenty of light still left in your eyes |
[18 Apr 2006|01:07am] |
| [ |
music |
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okkervil river |
] |
And there’s plenty of ways to claim his crimes tonight,
and there’s plenty of things to do on his dime.
And there’s plenty of ways to wear his hide tonight.
You’ve got yours and I’ve got mine.
You’ve got yours and I’ve got mine.
So why
did you flee?
Don’t you know you can’t leave his control
only call all his wild works your own?
So come back and we’ll take them all on.
So come back to your life on the lam.
So come back to your old black sheep man.
He says
“I am waiting on hoof and on hand.
I am waiting, all hated and damned.
I am waiting, I snort and I stamp.
I am waiting, you know that I am,
calmly waiting to make you my lamb”
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[17 Mar 2006|02:15am] |
i've been unusually talkative lately
but its not enough
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